Deep cuts

Kinect2-ir-image.png by Kolossos, Wikimedia Commons, CC3.0

The past few weeks I've been pretty overwhelmed by the mental anguish of seeing what's happening in Gaza. It feels so trite to even say anything about it because at the end of the day I'm fed, I have a home, I think about whether my hair looks cool. I wake up early or in the middle of the night and cry for a while. I eat and get awful indigestion and then I fast and think about how I get to eat again afterwards and what it would be like if I couldn't. I've been attending protests and donating money as directly as possible for the past 23 months. A 20-year-old girl caring for a family of eight whose fund I donated to a couple of months ago is dead now. The GFM is now in aid of her brother, who has severe injuries and complex medical needs from the same bomb that killed his sisters. I'm not planning anything, but the things I've seen make me not want to live in this world. I wish every perpetrator and enabler of this genocide had to feel the full weight of their actions for the rest of their execrable lives. If the power was in my hands that would be a pretty short sentence. 

My workmate went to a rally with me on Friday, I feel like I've been pretty standoffish at work lately (and probably always) so that meant a lot. This weekend I went through an old laptop to try to find some music that's not on streaming (or anywhere). I've been listening to music a lot when I'm alone and bopping around while I wash the dishes or whatever. It helps with not spiraling. I was pleased to find all of the lost media that I was thinking of, plus several short stories that I wrote in a kind of mania circa 2018. They're not worth posting, but I'm not mad at them either. Likewise comics, scans of zines, 100s of netbook-quality selfies. The archive of my OG twitter account was kind of a surprise, I remember always feeling like such a stupid asshole at that time but I was actually pretty funny. It's nice to be able to feel fond of all the different versions of yourself, even when you thought you were a piece of shit at the time. And yet there's also the throughline of being a “rich inner life” kind of person (shut up inside oneself) and being aware that that's only gotten worse. Oh well, at least I'm kind of partying in here. Sometimes. 

If you'd like to party too here's the music I was looking for, plus some other stuff I used to listen to a lot. By the way can you believe I heard Kiss Me Thru The Phone for the first time last week? There are still joys in this world despite the horrors. 

https://archive.org/details/deep-cuts